At 35 she shattered! Her life was perfect or so it seemed to the world around her - even to herself. The perfect family, enough money, nice house, good job but she often had a nagging feeling, a horrible anxiety that everything in her perfect world was about to give way. Her father was in a hospital an hour away. He had just had surgery for cancer. She drove the hour to see him - alone. She entered his room - and was not at all ready for that reality- he was unrecognizable to her. He could not speak but as she opened the door to his room and walked towards the hospital bed he mouthed the words "HI SWEETHEART"! The words unspoken struck her like an electrical current - the same two words she had heard night after night when he entered HER room. Her whole life she had tried to keep those words from ever reaching her ears but now they struck her soul. Two words hanging in the air dripping with shame! The intensity took her to the floor, a fetal position from which she could not extract herself, gone was her voice and ability to move. He had no reaction, he just stared at her with those cold black eyes. She laid on that floor beside his hospital bed for what seemed hours under his gaze. A nurse came into the room, helped her up and out to the hall where she again hit the floor. She sat against the wall with her head between her knees the echo of the words screaming in her head. She swallowed the thick salty bile of every "HI SWEETHEART" and knew it was the taste of him! She left that hospital with a fear she knew but had never allowed herself to truly experience.
Passing a mirror in the hospital lobby she caught a glimpse of herself - the beautiful blonde hair cascading over her slender shoulders, the fur coat protecting her from nothing, the shiny black spike heel reflecting a a confidence that had never been her's. The blatant sexuality, always palpable and ever present, that she wore like jewellery in an effort to intimidate others and isolate herself. It all served a purpose - men were well aware that she was only a fantasy for them - never to be touched! She was totally unattainable, untouchable! The outward facade said to anyone who dared that they were not worthy - but only she knew that the unworthy one was her.
None of this offered any armour on this day. Glancing again in that mirror everything fell away, she saw herself small, thin, naked, alone and scared to death.
The beautiful blonde had shattered into a million pieces!
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